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Garswood Juniors U10’s B squad equal Everton’s Premiership Record

On Saturday 19th March 2011 Garswood’s U10’s Division 1 squad made the headlines with a 3 nil defeat away to Wigan Junior Latics.  Garswood became the first team since Everton in 1994/95 to go 7( yes seven) consecutive matches in the top flight without scoring a goal. Garswood’s last goal was scored way back on the 11th December 2010 in a 4-1 defeat, coincidently to Wigan Junior Latics.

During this unfortunate run of games Garswood have not conceded more than three goals in any match but have failed to find the back of the opposition net in over 280 minutes of football.

Head Coach, Kevin O’Neill has put the blame firmly on the half time biscuits currently being given to the squad, Kev said “Since we changed from Jaffa Cakes to Jammy Dodgers the players are spending all the second half trying to get the jam off their teeth and losing focus on scoring goals”. “Its all down to cost cutting since Mr Molly took over the money side of the Club”

Assistant coach Ian Scott ( who led his previous U10’s squad to the Championship with a record of Played 22 won 22) states that he has worked tirelessly all season on the defensive side of the team, leaving Kev to work with the strikers, “I’m not sure were Kev’s going wrong but its quite obvious he his out of his depth at this level”.

Parent and lifelong Evertonian Paul Hughes, said “I cant believe it, I suffered dark despairing times watching Everton and now history is repeating itself with my son”, Paul went on to say “I’ve seen the work the coaches are doing in training, they get the lads shooting with the power of Stevie G, the style of Raul Miereles and the skill of Luis Suarez but then when it comes to the match they are more like Tony Hibbert”. Visibly shaking as he tried to remove the top from his valium tablets Paul was heard muttering to his bed-nurse “Its Liverpool  and Cherrybrook for me next season”

When asked for their thoughts current player Cody Walker told reporters ” The coaches are not playing to our strengths, they are trying to play a sitting defensive midfielder and deploying wing-backs and players interchanging position and pressing hard up-field with a high forward line, and its just not working”.

Thomas Matthew’s said ” I support Morecombe Town so I cant really comment on football matters”

Tyler Duffy said “I agree with Cody”

Daniel White said he thought things went wrong once Thomas Hughes started wearing his pink Everton shirt under his Garswood top. “Pink!, Its just not right for men’s football”

Joe Dinley however agreed with head coach Kev, “Its definitely the biscuits. I once saw Luke Simpson put two Jammy Dodgers in his mouth at half time, he was still trying to chew them 20 minutes after the game had finished, it caused a right mess when he tried to eat his hot-dog at the same time”

Keeper Adam Bowers said “Don’t blame me”

Tyler Prescott said “My dad told me- Son the one thing that’s certain in football – If you don’t shoot you don’t score- or was it Brian Clough who said it, I think it was my dad”

Harry Scott and Jack O’Brien were playing on their X-Box 360’s so were unavailable for comment.

With three games to go until the end of the season the squad has been set a target of 10 shots and hopefully one will go in. Hartlepool United in the 1923/24 season currently hold the record for a professional team when they went 11 games without scoring a goal, Head Coach Kev said “If we equal that record then I will have no choice but to sack Scotty and get the players back on biscuits with less jam in them”

Club Secretary Tom Nugent was livid when he heard the news, “Its our Club’s 30th anniversary this year and now were tarred with same brush as Everton, I’m thinking of cancelling the celebrations and asking the Warrington League to expunge all records for this season”